Letters from Helen Magnus
by Mrs Marcus Volturi
Summary: If there was one thing Helen Magnus could say to her friends, colleagues and lovers, what would it be?
1. Dear John

**A/N:This is just a little something that popped into my head after I had a lazy day watching 'Sanctuary' commentaries. I am thinking of writing more of these, just because I like the idea but I will only do that if i get some feedback! XD Please Review? I need to know if it doesnt sound like something Helen would say. This has not been Beta'd so any mistakes are my own, and if anyone is interested in being my beta, please message me! Anyways, ENJOY!**

**Disclaimer: I own none of this!**

**::The Faith Inherited Belongs To All And To All Sanctuary Shall Be Given::**

Dear John,

When I met you, I fell almost immediately in love with you. I thought that you were the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life, however long it may be, with. I suppose, sometimes I still do.

You were charming, handsome, and intelligent; everything a girl like me could have wanted in a lover. I may have been naive, though. I thought that maybe the world would stay like it was forever, just you and I, and possibly a child. That child transformed from a dream to a reality. My biggest regret though, is that you never got to know her properly.

You will never know the full extent of my pain the night I lost you, or the night I lost her. When James, Nikola and Nigel told me that you were the Ripper, that you were the man mutilating those women, defiling them, I was...Well, I was a lot of things. I was angry, betrayed, upset, but most of all, I was hurt. You vowed to me the night you proposed, after we had made love for the first time, that you would never, ever hurt me. But you did, and for that I can never forgive you. You promised, John!

I suppose it is my fault, though; my fault that you turned into that monster. It was my idea to inject ourselves with Vampire blood and as a result of that, you found teleportation and along with that, your demon. That evening at Oxford, when we injected ourselves with the serum, that is when I really began living. That is when my eyes were opened to the vast possibilities of the world, beyond humans and beyond what I knew of Abnormals. That night changed everything I was, everything I am, and everything I will ever be. It was so long ago now, though.

We had our moments, I admit. Those nights back in Oxford when we would stay curled up in your room making love all night without rest. I used to dream about those times, wishing that I was back there. Or when The Five were on the brink of discovery, and just before we unravelled the secrets, Nikola would suggest taking a break. We would grumble about it then, complaining but I think it made us come back down to earth, if only for a moment to take in the full extent of what we were doing.

I miss The Five.

I miss those long sleepless nights.

I miss Ashley.

I miss the years that we could have had together, the three of us, as a family.

I miss us.

But life goes on, and the past cannot be changed. And I know that as I spill my heart out into this letter, it is all in vain because you will never read it.

There will always be a place in my heart for you, for as long as I live.

Sincerely,  
>Helen<p> 


	2. Dear Nikola

Dear Nikola,

Sometimes I wonder why I chose John over you. Sometimes, I wonder why I put myself through all that pain of loving him, when the whole time, you were waiting patiently for me. It took me nearly 100 years to realise my feelings for you. Not many people can say they waited a century to be loved.

The truth is, after John, I was scared to love again. I was scared of getting betrayed and hurt the way he hurt me. I know you wouldn't do that though. In Rome, when the Cabal were chasing you and we were in the catacombs, you confessed your love for me. I thought you were just saying it to gain my trust, so that I would help you with your plans for World domination. But now I realise, that you meant it. There was honesty in your eyes that I had tried to ignore. I can't ignore it anymore.

When you became mortal again, I told you that I wasn't to blame for the mishap. But that didn't stop me feeling guilty. I should have found a way to reverse the process, and believe me, I tried, but somehow it didn't feel like enough. You being a human again meant that I was the only member of The Five left, and that was something I didn't want to think about.

You keep exclaiming that since the East Africa incident with Afina that I cared for you because I wouldn't let you die. I made you a vampire again, only to watch the queen awaken from thousands of year's stasis and threaten to take you away from me. That is what scared me more than you dying; the fact that after saving you, you were contemplating going with Afina to take over earth with her and her army, like we – like _I _meant nothing to you. You said that I was jealous, and because you will never read these words, I can honestly tell you – tell myself too, I suppose – that yes, I was jealous. You had known me for over 100 years, and yet the woman you had only just met was taking all of your attention.

And to answer the question that always seems to come up with you, yes Nikola Tesla, I love you. I have always loved you. But I suppose, this is for my eyes only, so you will never know. But at least this will help me admit it so I can try to move on.

Which I know will not ever happen.

With all my love,

Helen


	3. Darling James

Darling James,

I have always wondered why you loved me; why you stood beside me even as I carried your best friend's child; why you could look at me without disgust, or anger. I don't deserve you, how good you have been to me; to Ashley. You took her in as your own, and for that I am forever in your debt.

The night you informed me that John was killing those women, I remember hating you, as if you were the one who did that to him; as if you were the one who gave him the source blood. I remember wishing - praying- that it was you who insisted that we five administer the blood to ourselves, so that I may have someone other than myself to blame. I knew that he was what he was because of me and it killed me inside. I have had to live with that guilt, with the knowledge that it was my fault you lost your best friend, that I lost my fiancé and that Ashley lost her father, for too many years. You tried to make me forget; I remember clearly when you used to drag me along to those hunts for the abnormals so that I would stop wallowing in self-pity and it worked most of the time. Your humour, you love for me was overwhelming but it always helped me to forget about John.

You were always there for me, whether I wanted you or not, you were there. I love you James Watson, with my entire being. I owe you my life because you have saved me so many times, emotionally and physically when no one else could. When everyone had given up on me, you were there holding my hand, encouraging me that I still had a life to live, abnormals to save. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here today, once again wallowing in self-pity. If it weren't for me though, you would be here and I wouldn't be in this state. I want to be angry at you for dying, for not telling me that the mission to India would be your last, but all I can do is sit alone in my room, wishing you were here to help me find my daughter…our daughter. You helped raise Ashley better than I ever could have done alone and she always regarded you as her father figure. She is perfect in every way and everything about her reminds me of how hard you worked, the nights you stayed up with her when she wouldn't sleep and that was all I wanted to do. The scary thing is James; I don't know who she is anymore. The Cabal have taken her and they're planning something; they're going to use her against me and I don't know if, when it comes to it, I will be able to kill her.

I wish you were here, oh how I do. Declan is doing a lovely job taking care of the Sanctuary in London but it isn't the same.

I wish that you could read this, and knowing you never will, breaks my heart.

I love you, James. I always will.

Dearest,

Helen xxx

A/N: This chapter was for AliceInLa-La-Land1215 who requested a James letter...Here you are darl! And like every writer on here, I love reviews (I usally bribe people with cookies but I am all out...will hugs do?) please review! :)


	4. Dear William

Dear William,

When I recruited you four years ago, I never for you to be such an amazing friend, protégé and partner; I knew you had potential but I never fully grasped the extent of it until now. You are all I could have ever dreamt of and more and yet seeing you talk to those Abnormals, interact with them in a way that no one else can, all I can feel is guilt. I pulled you into this world with no warning and because of me; you can never again have the life you had before. Never can you live peacefully without knowing that anyone around you-the postman, the shop assistant, the woman on the woman in the street-could be an Abnormal. You can never have the perfect life that you crave with Abby and it is my guilt that keeps me up at night.

I never wanted to use you, Will; believe me, that has always been the furthest thing from my mind and yet here we are. You were right when you said that I distance myself from others; I have boundaries that even my closest friends can't break through. Like a Genosepolis uses a hard, metal looking shell to intimidate its enemies, I use these walls so that no one can see the me inside that craves to be loved; to feel something. There have been so many times that I have wanted to show you the real me but I am always terrified that you won't like what you see. I want to blame John for this, my inability to show others my true self but I know that he only helped to fuel the problem.

Growing up in Victorian times was difficult, though at the time I know no different. They believed that women should never hold the positions of authority that men took for granted and though my father had always encouraged me to break the boundaries of society; I knew that I had to leave myself some dignity and earn myself some respect in life, so I tried to fit in. Those times stole ones soul, their identity with all of the niggling in their ears that they should be perfect, be exactly what society dictated. For women, it was expected that they would stay at home, producing children and cleaning the house while their husbands were out earning wages. Even though I have lived for 243 years, I can never shake that which was burnt into my mind as a child; to smile, even when things are grave. Lock the real you away and be the person that everyone wants you to be,

I know that when I took you in, the only condition that you had was that I kept nothing from you and yet, despite my promises to do so, I didn't keep my word. What you have to understand is that I desperately wanted to tell you everything but it was for your own good. If I had revealed my plans that I had to you for the Sanctuary to you and you went to work for SCUI, there was always a chance that they would find out and I couldn't take that risk. It had nothing to do with my trusting you; I trust you with my entire being, just as I love you with my entire being. I have for a long time. You are the voice in my ear when I am about to do something irrational that brings me back to earth and no matter how risky it is, you are always there to make sure I don't get carried away.

Sometimes, despite how good you have been to me, I wish I never bought you into the Sanctuary because then, I wouldn't have to deny to myself how much you mean to me. I wouldn't know you as I do now, and I would never have to feel guilt for loving you when you deserve someone better.

With all my love,

Helen x

A/N: This chappy was for AndriaAllen because she wanted (and I desperately wanted to write) a letter to Will...sorry if it drags on a bit though *smiles sheepishly* Please, enjoy! Possibly Ashley or Gregory next...opinions?


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